Monday, 5 December 2011

Love and String Theory

For some reason every time I open this computer the date is 1st January 2004. What does that mean? What was doing that day? It wasn't so long ago. Would I like to go back there and check myself out? Noo wayy! I don't think I would go back to any of my recent incarnations - crazy divorcée, off-beat beloved, insane mother, depressed diplomat's wife, besotted skinny lover..

This year that I have sworn off love and other things I don't understand (string theory, just try it) I have had some weird encounters. The latest, in the supermarket car park on Friday night, where I had a mile-high trolley. I mean, did I look like I needed cracking onto? It wasn't debauched shopping either, you know, oodles of drink and snacks and cheeses and condoms and clinking wine bottles, it was hardcore mothershop: toilet rolls, milk and cereal, dog and cat food, frozen pizzas, cheap beer for the stoners, minimal fruit (I do that at the market on Sunday morning), more milk and cereal, oh and yoghurt. Honestly, dear fellow, when the greatest satisfaction I had looming before me was the idea of sitting down, throwing my legs out and not having to drive another teenager or fight for the tv remote, DO YOU THINK I WANT TO BE CHATTED UP OR AM LIKELY TO HAND OVER MY CELL NUMBER?

Now some of you may say, and I do feel it in a remote pocket of myself, just be humane girl, remember how many times you've put yourself out on a limb, blushed, tried to get the words right. But does getting older, and having being bruised and trampled and revived and trampled and bruised etc again in love, mean you just don't have the patience for it?

I used to think my gay friends had some answers. Use and abuse. Well, they were so light about it all, so detached. But they were so screwed up, for God's sake they killed themselves! And then African women, I learnt a lot from them about running the show, about networks of women and secrets, about 'African love'. But where does that leave a Western woman who wants some peace, and yet a piece of the action?

Back to string theory.

PS Do check out my interview with poet John Siddique 'Calendar Guys: A Naked Muse for all Seasons' on


  1. For me, sometimes it just comes down to energy, and the lack of it. Simply not having the energy for this "love" caper, even the good parts. But, then again, right now everything seems like a bit too much to be coped with... and I'm making no sense. Mostly peace and just a tiny bit of action sounds perfect in my world :P

    P.S. I thought you wrote "mineral fruit", and I thought "I want that!" even though it doesn't exist.

  2. Perhaps the 'lurv thang' requires a certain frame of mind from the start. When you are just burning to give give give is usually where I am at. But it's true, once you are organised, well-loved and your life has a good beat, all that hyper-emotion, argh!
    *oops 'minimal fruit' means a coupla bananas n clementines as I do my big staggering fruitnveg shop at the markets!

  3. I desperately tried to read Stephen Hawking's A BRIEF HISTORY OF TIME but couldn't even get past the first 10 pages so don't even ask me about String Theory. Similarly I would never begin to suggest knowing about the dynamics of finding a mate. I met my husband when I was where you are. I had absolutely sworn off men. There was no way I would hunker down with another one. That was almost 20 years ago. It really is one big mystery.

  4. Thank for admitting to not surviving Mr. Hawking. It has been on our bookshelf, for several years, in Italian, unopened. I haven't even pretended to attempt.

    But your husband story scares me! I'm not ready for another round! When I first moved to Europe I au paired for an artsy couple who just sent me photographs of their new country life in the south of France - two ateliers, huge garden, tea in the afternoon. This is all I could handle after all these kid years!

  5. You can run but you can't hide. You're in Italy, for goodness sake, those men are persistent. Must be something in the water.

  6. You're so right, why do I even wonder.

    Although I don't think it's the water, it's their mammas telling them they are irresistible for thirty, forty, fifty years...

  7. So, so funny, Cat. "hardcore mothershop", hahahaha.

    You know the universal truth applies; nothing attracts people more than a lack of interest in playing the game.

    Did the finishing the book cause you to step away from the game, or did the need to step away from the game become the book?

  8. Finishing the book has made me realise I want more. More time, more concentration, more quiet, more words, more connection, more truth, more stories, more structure, more relief, more acknowledgement. The game? Only if I can tweak the rules a little.

  9. Patience. I find I have less of it these days while my head is somewhere else.

  10. Now you've got me thinking of what was going on with my life in January 2004. All I'll say is that I would prefer not to return to that time and am relieved to be where I am now, in so many different ways. Phew.

  11. Yes Lisa, not only is my head somewhere else but my time is precious! I don't feel like wasting any more of it. Loved your last post!

    Hi Laura, it's freaky isn't it, looking back with the telescope reversed? I don't want to go back either. And yet, I'm still afraid of feeling too comfortable, or too detached, or too complete, I don't even know!
    I'm really enjoying your book launch news and look forward to hearing more, I need tips for mine!

  12. Patience is really a virtue. Trust me it's really worthy to wait. For now just enjoy your life. If I were in your situation I will never return to that time too because what matters most is today.

  13. Don't lost hope, God is always good. He will not leave you behind you may not be in a good situation always . But remember this that after the rain their will always be a sun rise :)

  14. My Gay friend married an African woman, I envy her.
    I like African women to.